Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Playoff Hustle: This Ain't Your Daddy's Shaq
Rocket-less in '06

We used to think Natalie at just had a flair for the dramatic... but now that little twinge of crazy in all true fanatics has been let full loose. Her prayers, though, have been answered. Pistons make it to game 6.

Yay! NBA thinks this is a foul. Given the calls Miami was getting in the third... it should've been a flagrant 2.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Playoff Hustle: Auf Wiedersehen!
Rocket-less in '06

Back! Back Cassell! Back from whence you came... no, no... to the Rockets. Where you already got two of those little rings. Then we can lure Sprewell to play for free (or at least on commission) and trade Yao Ming for Kevin Garnett... that would fix everything.

You taking mid-levels these days? No?

Yes, we've jumped on the comic book bandwagon. Just a little thought bubble, we'd animate it if we could... floating about... just thinking... doing a little thinking.

The Playoff Hustle: Finally... Auf Wiedersehen!

Goodbye, Timmy... it means goodbye.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The Playoff Hustle: Richard Basa Disgusts Us

This is Richard Basa.

Richard Basa is a San Antonio Spurs fan. The San Antonio Spurs disgust us. 2+2=4.

San Antonio beat Dallas last night to force Game 7 to the dismay of Globetrotter and this dude from Dallas--watching from the bar in a Greenwich Village Pizzeria Uno's (1/2 off drink and appetizer specials, wanna fight about it?)--except Duke, who has his own insidious reasons for wanting the Spurs to force a Game 7. He wants to see Detroit sweep San Antonio in a Finals rematch.

I personally never want to see the Spurs anywhere near a championship again, and to his credit, neither does Duke. But it disgusts me to watch him root for them. But not as much as Richard Basa.

On the other hand, it disgusts Duke that I've picked Dallas to win it this year... in 6 over Cleveland (the Cavs in an improbable, legendary run--of course, this was pretty much contingent on both teams winning Game 6, but I stand by the picks). But I don't root for them. I just quietly purse my fingers together, nod and mumble, "yes... yes... yes."

So yea, I disgust myself, too. How could I pick the team that beat the Rockets last year? They're copiously more entertaining than the Spurs and just better than the Suns and Clips. Maybe I'm worse than Dukie--but not Basa. Never that.

Lebron, next time, shoot the three.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Brett Ratner is a Kid in a Candy Store
And Yao is the Big Chocolate Bunny

Brett Ratner of Rush Hour and Rush Hour-like movies, has Yao Ming on a short list of Asian icons he'd like to eat... or put in his latest Rush Hour. Here's how we envision the poster:

That actually shouldn't be far off.

Other Asian icons the Brat-man would like to co-opt include actress Gong Li, Thai boxing sensation Tony Jaa and Bollywood superstar Aishwarya Rai.

Bratty strikes us as that freckled rich kid in the neighborhood (mostly in the 'burbs) who was always bragging about how he could get Michael Jackson to come to his birthday party or Nolan Ryan to pitch batting practice for his Little League team... nobody ever believes Bratty, but sure enough, there's Michael and Bubbles at his Bar Mitzvah... Bratty, show us how.

Rockets in the Head: Mike James, Bitch!

Sorry, bitch is so inappropriate... even in celebratory usage... and Oprah's gonna get pissed if we don't stop saying it. And she's right. We are role models. Sorry... last time, we promise. And besides, we think it was Skeets that came up with it first. Go to him, Oprah. Go to him.

Mike James wants back in Houston. His house is in Houston. His girlfriend. The Harlem-native makes a good argument, too. Of course, we believe the Rockets would have made the playoffs--even with the injuries--had they not traded him.

Rockets only have a mid-level available, but Mike is willing to make compromises to come home. With the year he had in Toronto, splitting the mid-level is probably out of the question so the question then would be: Mikey or the bigger, younger Vassy the Greek?

Atlanta's not that far from Houston. posts the Houston Rockets' State of the Cap. It's not pretty. Here's the short list of available free agents.

Monday, May 15, 2006

The Playoff Hustle: Words. Don't. Hit. Back.
Rocket-less in '06

Not that Lebron resembles Bruce Lee as much as his Nike Kung Fu ads would like you to think, but Bron-Bron is layin' the Jeet Kun Do on Rasheed "Han" Wallace and that big motherfucker Bolo (the other Wallace). So Han had an ankle sprain, huh? Kaaaarmaaaa. Enter the f'ing Dragon.

We know Damon Jones is Jim Kelly. But who's John Saxon? Zyggy?

Cavo at Yay! NBA is beside himself... like a gaggle of school girls... but he's only one man... and we understand. But just to clarify, did Lebron have sex with all of Rasheed's presumably pluralistic congregation of polygamous mothers, or all of the Detroit Pistons' mothers or every mother in Detroit?

That's Wilt Chamberlain-type numbers there, but as it's Lebron, nothing surprises us anymore... nothing... just a pitiful, nihilistic existence. Like a Kiyoshi Kurosawa movie... that sums it up... our Rocket-less existence.

Sheed, not one to be addled, had this to say from
"I'm all right," Wallace said. "Don't send me to the glue factory yet. It's nothing that hasn't happened before."
We're feelin' this series now. Now that it's about to get really heated. Between the Cleveland and Detroit fanblogs. Elbooows.

The Playoff Hustle: Another Reason We Love Rasheed Wallace...
Rocket-less in '06

Sheed guarantees Pistons in 5. Nattie at is religious with this shit. For the full "guaranSheed" click the pic or click here. Gawddamn, Sheed is our kind of crazy.

We know by the time this post hits that the game will probably have already ended--don't tell us yet! Our wireless went down but we put in all the work... so we're posting it anyway.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Playoff Hustle: Lebron... Still Good.
Rocket-less in '06

Uhh... Benny... we know you just took NBA Defensive Player of the Year again, but... there's defense and there's sexual assault. Tayshaun looks horrified. Nevertheless, Bron-Bron puts down another triple-double, joining Magic as the only other player to hit off at least two trippy-dubs in their first respective playoff appearances... of course, Magic was 19 and a rookie. Come on, Lebron. What makes you so special?

If you're tired of Nike's multi-million solicitations to bear "witness" to all this, Detroit Bad Boys has your alternatives. Me likee this one:

The Playoff Hustle: No More Mr. Big Shot
Rocket-less in '06

All right, so it's unfair to say, based on Robert Horry's off-balance fall-away that careened off the side of the backboard in the waning seconds of Mavs-Spurs Game 3 last night, that Big Shot Bob has lost his touch.

But if he had made that shot. It would have been legendary. He would have been the stuff of folk tales and mythology--if he isn't already at least the stuff of nightmares to Sacramento and Detroit fans all over. That shot would have put him in the Hall of Fame. That's how big it would have been.

But he missed it.

It's hard watching this series because as true Rockets aficionados, we just can't root for the Dallas Mavericks or the San Antonio Spurs. Part of us wants the Spurs to win, just to see them in a rematch with Detroit (to which Duke has already predicted a Detroit sweep), and a bigger part of us wants to see them to lose.

But we don't want Dallas winning either. It's a vicious cycle.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Rockets in the Head: Vassilis Spanoulis is the Future of Houston Rockets Basketball

Actually, we meant Vassilis Spanoulis might be in the future of Houston Rockets basketball... if Carroll Dawson decides it's enough that the Greek is gregarious and buys out his contract with Euroleague powerhouse Panathinaikos.

If you've never heard of him, well, you haven't been reading your Houston Rockets post-season fixits. Houston drafted Spanoulis via trade in the second round of the 2004 draft and his prospects are getting their share of buzz now. After a season such as this one past, everyone starts out on the bright side of life.

V-Span, as some have already and unfortunately saddled him, put up a strong showing in a best-of-three series loss to Tau Ceramica last month in the Euroleague Championship Quarterfinals.

V-Span sucks as a nickname. How about Vassy? Or Spoon? Or Silly?

It looks like Vassy's at least discovered the way to stop Tony Parker. I follow Euroleague ball, but I admit I don't know all of the rules... I didn't know they allowed slide tackling. Euros and their "futbol."

Carroll Dawson thinks Vassy is like Kobe, in the same way I think I'm like Steve Nash. We notice Spoon likes to stick out his tongue a lot. Does that make him Jordan... -esque?

Silly seems to think we'll like him. Or that we already do. Here's some video footage:

Luther Head made All-Rookie Second Team. Leading all rookies in 3pFGs made. Not too shabby. The "I Love Head" fan club is in full effect next year.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The Playoff Hustle: Auf Wiedersehen!

Just so you know... all that talk about Kobe being the MVP and winning this series... was our anticipative attempt to jinx the Mamba. It worked.

The Sith Lord we love to hate has been temporarily vanquished...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Playoff Hustle: Can't. Cure. Ugly. Face.

Much has been said about Bron-Bron's penchant for the ugly face. Blah. Blah. Blah. I don't know if that was the sickest gamewinner I've ever seen... but I've never seen anything like it. Lebron James... winner, winner.

Poor Gilbert Arenas (who my girlfriend and her roommate from Maryland have lovingly renamed Gilby) had his best efforts foiled again. Stealing the ball, flying coast to coast for what I'm sure all of D.C. thought was the game-winner, only to have to watch Lebron do this.

My girlfriend's roommate still can't mentally ascertain what happened. It's beyond her grasp. In her plane of existence, it is always May 3, 2006, Washington up 120-119 with 3.6 seconds left on the clock. We're too frightened to break it to her, fearing the news would cause major cerebral damage on account of shock. This pic from Deadspin is for her. And so is this.

The Cavalier over at Yay! NBA can't hardly gather his thoughts either, but he's cognizant enough to suggest Jeff Van Gundy (whose been covering the Cavs-Wizards series) might be making not-so-subtle digs at Tracy McGrady. Well, I'm sure Gilby "really, really want[ed]" it. But...

The Wizznutzz are understandably upset.

They wrote a song about it. They'd like you to hear it. Here it go.

Ugly face photo by REUTERS/Ron Kuntz.

The Playoff Hustle: Raja Bell is Luke Skywalker

Thursday! Thursday! Thursday! In Los Angeles! Suns-Lakers Cage Match! 10 men enter! One man leaves! There can only be one Highlander!

Last match, Raja "Pretty Boy" Bell performed a vicious, bloodcurdling clothesline off the ropes on The Black Mamba! Nearly topped by a botched James "Earl Gray" Jones DDT on Kwame "Pass the Butter" Brown!

Pretty Boy Suspended! Mamba unflappable! Blames it on way Pretty Boy was raised! Pretty Boy says Mamba's not his Father! Reporter misses Kobe's overcompensating allusion to Missing Hugs! Genitals bumped! Shoulders dusted! Round 2 Tonight! In the Staples Center! Be there!

Dare we say it? I'm just going to say it... this is the best f'ing first round of the playoffs ever. Ever. The ESPN writers weigh in but they're non-committal. I'm saying it:

Best F'ing National Basketball Association Playoffs First Round Ever.

"Pretty Boy" Bell clothesine pics by AP.